


Big Boys Don't Cry

by laxis



Category: Free!
Genre: Hurt, Injury, Jealousy, M/M, break-up, self-loathing Sousuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 02:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2174835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laxis/pseuds/laxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin and Sousuke break up because Rin fell in love with Haru aka the story where Rin breaks Sousuke's heart.</p><p>"Maybe it's better this way", he mumbles and curls his fingers into fists, his own fingernails digging sharply into his flesh and yet not at all distracting from the pain he's feeling inside.</p><p>"I never wanted to hold you back."</p><p>It's the truth and they both know it. He can hear Rin suck in a sharp breath. </p><p>"Don't you dare make this about your injury", he exclaims, voice wavering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Boys Don't Cry

"Sousuke. We need to talk."

If there's something Sousuke has learned in his nineteen years of life, it's that these words never mean anything good. Oh, and that life wasn't fair. Coincidentally, these two things often went hand in hand. He looks up from his sitting position on their bed and dreads what's coming, but he knows it nonetheless, knows Rin too well to pretend otherwise.

"You're breaking up with me."

He states it as a matter of fact and even though Rin does look guilty and sad, he doesn't deny it. 

"I moved from Tokyo because of you." 

Sousuke doesn't know why he says it, the words tumble out of his mouth automatically in a not particularly accusatory tone, just... defeated. Maybe it's because he's only now grasping it himself, the gravity of everything, of what he was willing to change just to be with Rin. He can't help it when the next words come out weaker with a cracking voice and he hates the sound of the words even as they leave his mouth, sounding so desperate and unbelieving. "I was willing to give up everything for you."

"I... know." 

Rin looks even sadder now and fuck the goddamn sadness etched unto his face because it makes Sousuke hate and love him at the same time, with a ferocity that he shouldn't still be capable of, all the more because of what's happening right now, with how he knows Rin is going to rip out his heart and trample all over it in the next few moments. 

"And I appreciate that, Sousuke, I really do. But it's... it's not what I want. And it's not what you would want, either. You shouldn't shape your whole being just to please me. That's not who you are."

The words are being spoken in a soft manner, but they still cut as deep as if he had just taken out a knife. He thinks of Nanase and everything fits together. The bitterness churns inside his stomach as he sucks in a deep shaky breath, chest feeling heavy as he has to force himself to look into Rin's eyes. Those damn beautiful and expressive eyes that he usually adores so much, but whose expression he fears the most now. It's probably a wonder he doesn't spit the next words out, the negativity downright seeping into them. Mostly, the words sound resigned and harsh to his own ear. 

"And that's not who he is... he never was. He wouldn't change for you. He's just... free."

At that, the tears finally flow freely from Rin's eyes and he breaks out in sobs. Usually, the sight of a crying Rin was always enough to weaken Sousuke's heart, awakening that urge in him to protect and care for the redhead. Now, Sousuke just stares. He feels hollow and betrayed, thinking that he's not the one that should be crying now.

"I'm so sorry, Sousuke. It's not fair. But I... I can't help it. I love him."

Rin wipes at his tears with his forearm and there's a bitter smile on his lips for a split second when he says the last words. Sousuke looks away. He notices out of the corner of his eye how Rin drops to a crouch beside him, to be on the same level as him. He hesitantly reaches out a hand as if to touch Sousuke's cheek, but it finally lands on his shoulder instead and Sousuke's torn on whether he wants to slap it away or lean into it.

"I know I can never make it up to you. But you still matter to me a lot. I know it will be hard, but I hope... that maybe we can be friends again... after." 

Sousuke can feel his eyes prickling. He tries to will the tears away, feeling that they would fall if he blinks. Images come into his mind, unbidden. His father's stern reprimands that boys don't cry. Of his parents telling him off because he'd rather "waste his time" transferring to a school in the middle of nowhere, 9 hours from his prestigious Tokitsu High School in Tokyo. He's never ever seen it that way, knew that Rin was worth so much more than a fancy reputation, but now the words come back to haunt him. "Why would you want to move for that boy, anyway? He's probably forgotten all about you, it's been over five years."

His parents hadn't been that keen of him staying when they found at that he loved 'that boy'. In fact, they probably would have kicked him out if they actually could. He had made it impossible for them since he was always staying in dorms anyway, would have went to the university on a scholarship too, if not for his injury.  
He looks around their room as if in trance, the clean and domestic feeling it gives off suddenly alien to him. 

"Maybe it's better this way", he mumbles and curls his fingers into fists, his own fingernails digging sharply into his flesh and yet not at all distracting from the pain he's feeling inside.

"I never wanted to hold you back."

It's the truth and they both know it. He can hear Rin suck in a sharp breath. 

"Don't you dare make this about your injury", he exclaims, voice wavering.

Sousuke can't take it anymore and he stands up, ignoring the insistence of Rin grabbing his upper arm.

"You know we could have worked that out! It's not the reason!"

Sousuke clenches his teeth and closes his eyes. The piercing pain in his chest won't go away. To Rin, that was probably what he really, truly believed. For a year now, he had stayed by Sousuke's side, supporting him in any ways he could while he was going through therapy, always optimistic that they could go pro together after Sousuke was healed, never reproachful even when it didn't look hopeful. But Sousuke knew, he was beginning to feel the truth deep inside him more and more. It's been a year now and he still wasn't back in form. He would probably need surgery and even then, it was unlikely that he could go back to the way he was before. His days of competitive swimming were most likely over, had probably been over long ago.  
And who was he to deny Rin's dream, the one where he could swim like he always wanted to? Who was he to drag him down with him and his own shattered dreams, nothing more than a broken shell, when he could be out there with Nanase, just free? Rin would never admit it, he probably wasn't even aware of it himself, but after a while, some more months, maybe even years because he was that devoted, he would have grown tired of him. Then the passion he loved so much about the other would have slowly drained out and over time, he would have grown to loathe Sousuke. 

"Sousuke. You know that, right?"

The soft words pull him out of his stupor and he realizes that Rin has been carefully watching him for a while. Sousuke doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, to snort or get angry. There are so many lines buzzing around in his head, blurring together until he feels dizzy. "I get it, you just love him more than me." "I don't know anything anymore." "I thought we could have been happy." 

"Why did this have to happen?" "It's because it wasn't enough, it never is enough."

"I...", he begins. His throat feels parched and at the same time sticky and wet from that disgusting feeling of desperation that wants to claw its way out. He refuses to let it and forces out a tiny small instead. "I know."  
He quickly grabs his bag and heads out.

"Sousuke! Where are you going?", Rin calls after him and it's a question he doesn't know the answer to. It's not like he has anywhere to go, but right now he feels he has to be anywhere but here. Rin doesn't follow when Sousuke simply says: "Don't."

The redhead stands rooted to the place, just watching him leave and again Sousuke is not sure whether he's glad about that or not. Only after he slams the door shut behind him and breathes in the fresh air does he think that, maybe him and Rin were always going on borrowed time after all as well. "Big boys don't cry", repeats in his head and for the first time in a long time, he feels the stream of tears flowing uncontrollably, his back sliding across the door as he just sits down and cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, I actually made myself sad writing this, but it was an idea that just suddenly grabbed me. :X Maybe I'll use the space to put up a few ideas for discontinuous SouRin oneshots though (and they'd be not nearly as depressing, we just need more positiveness after episode 8 D: )


End file.
